george carlin Quotes

George Carlin Quotes

Birth Date: 1937-05-12 (Wednesday, May 12th, 1937)
Date of Death: 2008-06-22 (Sunday, June 22nd, 2008)

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george carlin life timeline

The NBC sketch comedy/variety show Saturday Night Live debuts with George Carlin as the host and Janis Ian and Billy Preston as musical guests.Saturday, October 11th, 1975

Quotes

    • The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone : Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.
    • Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.
    • I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
    • Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
    • Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? There's such balance in nature.
    • 'Fussy eater' is a euphemism for 'big pain in the ass'.
    • And, of course, the funniest food: 'kumquats'. I don't even bring them home. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.
    • So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.
    • Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, 'I'm going upstairs to fuck your grandmother.' He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old.
    • I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.
    • And Edwin Meese alone has been investigated by three separate Special Prosecutors, and there's a fourth one waiting for him in Washington right now. Three separate Special Prosecutors have had to look into the activities of the Attorney General. And the Attorney General is the nation's leading law enforcement officer!
    • They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.
    • People I can do without. This is my list: guys in their fifties named 'Skip'. Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. An airline pilot who has on two different shoes. A proctologist with poor depth perception. A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. Guys with a lot of small pins on their hats. Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. A dentist with blood in his hair. Any woman whose hobby is breast-feeding zoo animals. A funeral director who says 'Hope to see you folks again real soon!' Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. A man with only one lip. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. People who actually know the second verse to 'The Star-Spangled Banner'. Any lawyer who refers to the police as the 'Federales'. A cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip and a bottle of gin! A brain surgeon with 'Born to Lose' tattooed on his hands. Couples whose children's names all start with the same initials. A man in a hospital gown directing traffic. A waitress with a visible infection on her serving hand. People who have large gums and small teeth. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. And any man whose arm hair completely covers his wristwatch. All right, that's enough of that.
    • A lot of people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie; tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people [clicks his tongue] just like that!
    • Some of you might be familiar with some of my more famous tips from the past. How to get rid of counterfeit money? Put it in the collection plate at church!
    • Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent people.
    • Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.
    • Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to the god question. Do you believe in God? No. Boom! Dead. Do you believe in God? Yes. Do you believe in my God? No. Boom! Dead. My god has a bigger dick than your god!
    • I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat 9 people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.
    • I don't have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
    • No matter what color you are, 'You go, girl' should probably go! Right along with 'You the man!'
    • 'Happens to be.' 'He happens to be black.' Like it's a fucking accident, you know. He happens to be black? Yes, he happens to be black. Ah, yes, yes, yes. He had two black parents? Oh, yes, that's right, two black parents. And they fucked? Oh, indeed they did. So where does the surprise part come in? I would think it would be more unusual if he just 'happened' to be Scandinavian!
    • No one is 'openly' black. Well, maybe James Brown. Or Louis Farrakhan. Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black. Colin Powell is openly white. He just 'happens to be' black.
    • We were tempered in raw shit!
    • Whoever coined the term 'Let the Buyer Beware' was probably bleeding from the asshole.
    • What is all this shit about angels? Have you heard this? Three out of four people now, believe in angels. What're you, fucking stupid? Has everybody lost their fucking minds in this country? Angels, shit. You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive collective psychotic chemical flashback of all the drugs - all the drugs - smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. Thirty years of adulterated street drugs'll get you some fucking angels, my friend.
    • Angels, shit. What about goblins? What about goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in goblins? You never hear about them except on Halloween, and it's always negative shit too, you know. And zombies. Where the fuck are all the zombies? That's the trouble with zombies, they're unreliable. I say if you're gonna buy the angel shit, you might go with the zombie package as well.
    • Now here's another example of overprotection. Did you ever notice on the TV news, every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls onto a schoolyard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the next day, the next day, the school is overrun with counselors and psychiatrists and grief counselors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope? Shit, when I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four of us, we went right on with our arithmetic. 35 classmates minus 4 equals 31. We were tough. We were tough.
    • Here's another bunch of ignorant shit: school uniforms. Bad theory. The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it helps keep order. Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike? Now they're gonna make them look alike too? And it's not a new idea. I first saw it in news reels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand 'cause the narration was in German!
    • Religion has actually convinced people : that there's an invisible man : living in the sky : who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, 'til the end of time! : But he loves you! : He loves you. He loves you and he needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, all-wise, but somehow - just can't handle money!
    • I decided to look around for something else to worship, something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that: overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning. Several reasons: first of all, I can see the sun, okay? Yeah, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something - I don't know, kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So every day I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need: heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake - an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word; treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite. : You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci.
    • I know what you're thinking. You're all thinking, 'Jesus, he's not going to attack children, is he?' Yes, he is! He's going to attack children! And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about.
    • There's a lot of things you could use to kill a guy with. You could probably beat a guy to death with the Sunday New York Times!
    • So why is it they allow a guy with big, powerful hands to get on board an airplane? I'll tell you why: they know he's not a security risk, because he's already answered the three big questions. Question number one: 'Did you pack your bags yourself?' No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely Lobster Newberg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way Around-The-World, and then they packed my bags. Next question. 'Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?' No. Usually the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there, unattended, for several hours. Just for good luck. Next question. 'Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?' Hmm : well, what exactly is an 'unknown person'? Surely everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Kareem and Yusef Ali Ben Gabba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.
    • Do you know why it is, when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.
    • Names are an interest of mine. Not a hobby; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
    • Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant: The Mouthful. Oh come on, that's clever shit! That's a double pun, God damn it; you didn't think of it! Besides, you don't have to eat there if you don't want to. No. Just go in, have a cocktail. Or a Highball.
    • Would someone just put a dick in that guy's mouth please? 'Cause that's what he wants. He's a cocksucker in disguise. He's got his mouth open 'cause he wants someone to cum in it. Now, if you wanna keep making noise, motherfucker, and we can find you that way or you're just a punk coward asshole bullshit loud motherfucker and you're gonna shut up now so we don't find out where the fuck you're sitting. 'Cause if you keep it up, we'll grab your ass and throw you in the fucking street where you belong, with your mother! And I'm fucking her in the asshole every night anyway, so fuck you and your sister and your wife! If you got a kid, I hope your fucking kid dies in a car fire! How do you like that, you stupid cocksucker? Shut the fuck up and get the fuck out of here! : You know? See : You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a bit of a psychologist up here and know how to appeal to a person.
    • Then there are all those people in the space program. Nas-holes, I call them.
    • If I should be out driving around looking for a little fun and I see an accident, one that I am not involved in, I stop immediately! Well, I want to get a good look at what's going on. I'm never too busy that I can't stop to enjoy someone else's suffering.
    • Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: 'We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.'
    • Here are some musical vermin whose mothers we wish had had medical plans that included abortion. These singers who think they're so special they only need one name. Bono, Sting, Jewel, Tiffany, Prince : what a crock of shit, get a fucking last name, would you, please? I have a two word name for you: Pretentious Cocksucker. How do you like that? Bono, Sting : it's not bad enough the music sucks, but with no last name, you can't find out where they live to throw a fucking bomb through their window.
    • Here are some more men who oughta be strapped to a gurney and castrated with fishing knives. White guys who shave their heads completely bald. They're so ashamed they lost eleven hairs, they try to turn it to some kind of a masculine statement. I say hey, you goofy-lookin' baldy-headed fuck! Looks good on black guys, on you it's ugly, repulsive and disgusting. You wanna be bald? Do what I did - wait a while. In the meantime there's no excuse for running around looking like a freshly circumcized dick.
    • Thou shalt not kill. Murder. The fifth commandment. But if you think about it : if you think about it, religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. No, more people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. All you have to do : all you have to do is look at slavery, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Holocaust, and the World Trade Center, and you'll see how seriously the religious folks take 'Thou Shalt Not Kill'. The more devout they are : the more devout they are, the more they see murder as negotiable : it's negotiable. It depends, you know? It depends, it depends on who's doing the killing and who's getting killed.
    • [After providing reasons for cutting down the Ten Commandments] So, with all this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the Two Commandments: 'Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nooky', and 'Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to'. Two is all you need, Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fucking pocket, and if they had a list like that, I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall, as long as they included one additional Commandment: 'Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself'!
    • I drive kind of recklessly, I take a lot of chances, I never repair my vehicle, and I don't believe in traffic laws. So I tend to have quite a high number of traffic accidents.
    • The last thing they need is for you to stop and get out of your car and go over to the fire, because by now it is a fire, and start bothering them with a lot of stupid questions. 'Are you hurt?' Of course they're hurt; look at all the blood! You just ran over them with a ton and a half of steel!
    • If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. 'Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. That will be all, officer. You can throw him back on the pile.'
    • Here's something you never hear a man say: 'Stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police!'
    • You know something people don't talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts.
    • Now apparently, some people don't know what a pussy-fart is. Because I got some inquiries. Here's the deal: a pussy fart is like when you're making love to a woman who's got a little extra air in her vagina. So every time you thrust forward, it's kind of a : [makes various farting noises] And each of you is lying in bed, wondering if the other one farted. And the man is usually thinking, 'Maybe she farts when she cums. Maybe she took a shit. Man, I've got to stay out of that fucking bar.'
    • Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man. You gotta be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn't it? Still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness run out of pop tarts, gotta eat something. Might as well be Steve. And by the way, how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who's first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he's skinny and he can't fight back, or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he's got a lot of steaks and chops on him?
    • So what if some civilian contractor from Oklahoma gets his head cut off in Iraq? Fuck him! If you don't want to get your head cut off, stay the fuck in Oklahoma! But if you're going to go into someone else's country carrying a weapon, you better expect some fucking action!
    • One guy, about a month ago, was given three consecutive life terms, plus two death penalties. How the fuck do you serve that? Even David Copperfield can't do that shit. In order to do that, you'd have to be a Hindu.
    • Another word you don't hear too often is dingleberries. You know, you never hear it on Meet the Press. I think it's because dingleberries is one of those words you don't say too much past your tenth birthday. It's not a grown-up's word; it's a kid's word. Dingleberries! It always sounded kind of Christmas-y to me. Don't you think it has a holiday ring to it? Dingleberries. John, you might want to hang some dingleberries over the front door. Then when Marianne comes over, she can kiss you under the dingleberries! 'It is to be devoutly wished : that she would kiss me : under the dingleberries.'
    • I'm not giving anything back to the community. You know why? Because I didn't take nothing. You can search my fucking house.
    • I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Fuck him and his balls and his bicycles and his steroids and his yellow shirts and the dumb empty expression on his face. I'm tired of that asshole. And while you're at it, fuck Tiger Woods too! There's another jackoff I can do without. I'm tired of being told who to admire in this country. Aren't you? Aren't you sick of being told who your heroes ought to be? Being told who you outta look up too. I'll choose my own heroes, thank you very much. And fuck Dr. Phil too!
    • This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, 'Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died.' 'Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.' 'Yeah? : Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow down his cancer. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?'
    • 'Every child is special.' Boy, they said it over and over, as if to convince themselves, 'every child is special', and I kept saying, 'fuuuck you!' Every child is clearly not special.
    • Raising a child is not difficult, you just have to follow the steps. Step one: you take the kid, and you put him on the street corner, and you leave him there. Come back a week later, if the kid's still there [clicks tongue], you got yourself a stupid fucking kid. And then you proceed from that point.
    • It's all bullshit, folks, and it's bad for ya.
    • I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally.
    • Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.
    • Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is 'a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.' For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.
    • 'One thing leads to another'? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
    • Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
    • I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
    • I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm!
    • I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
    • Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me. Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it. And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this 'humor' on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.
    • {On his work appearing on the Internet} It's a conflicted feeling. I'm really a populist, down in the very center of me. I like the power people can accrue for themselves, and I like the idea of user-generated content and taking power from the corporations. The other half of the conflict, though, is that, traditionally speaking, artists are protected from copyright infringement. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about solving this issue. It's someone else's job.
    • For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails.
    • When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts : Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
    • [T]he difference between left and right of center : originated in the French parliament. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. Broadly speaking. And generally speaking, people on : the right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. The rights and the rights of property. And generally speaking again - it's all generalized - the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. That's generally been true. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before.
    • Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
    • George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
    • If Frank Sinatra owed you a favor, you should ask him to have one of his buddies kill Andy Williams.
    • If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
    • What year did Jesus think it was?
    • Deep Throat: think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?
    • Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
    • Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
    • You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
    • Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
    • This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto for this country ought to be? 'You give us a color, we'll wipe it out.'
    • Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
    • In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
    • Balance the stupid fucking budget!
    • Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
    • I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, 'This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me.'
    • I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
    • Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
    • I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
    • I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
    • I've found him, I have Jesus in the trunk.
    • The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
    • 'When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?' This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
    • The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: you cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal', 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
    • Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
    • I can't wait until the Middle East really explodes. Ancient hatred and modern weapons. My kind of show, man!
    • : This experiment, this magnificent experiment in democracy is just being shredded to pieces by these right-wing Christians, the Ashcroft branch of Republicanism. [They're] just shredding the rest of the Bill of Rights which hadn't been shredded already.
    • Religion is like a lift in your shoe. If it helps you stand up straighter and walk a little better, good for you! But don't you go and try to put your lifts in my shoes, and for crying out loud, let's stop sending missionaries to Africa to nail the lifts to the natives' bare feet!
    • Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
    • There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are 7 you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 : to 7. They must really be baaad. They must be outrageous to be separated from a group that large. 'All of you words over here, you seven : baaad words'. That's what they told us, right? 'That's a bad word!!' Awww. No bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooords. You know the seven, don't you? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Huh? Those are the heavy seven. Those are the words that'll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits, wow! And tits doesn't even belong on the list! It seems like such a friendly word. Sounds like a nickname. 'Hey Tits, come here man! Tits! Meet my friend Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots'. Sounds like a snack : oh yeah, it is. Right. But I don't mean your sexist snack, I mean new Nabisco Tits. Corn Tits n' Sesame Tits n' Cheese Tits : Tater Tits. Bet you can't eat just one!!
    • Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life; football begins in the fall, when everything is dying.
    • Baseball is a 19th century pastoral game; football is a 20th century technological struggle.
    • Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
    • Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
    • Boxing is not a sport. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. But beating the shit out of somebody isn't a sport, in spite of what the police think. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can become a sport.
    • Don't you find it funny that all these tough-guy boxers are fighting over a purse?
    • How come none of these boxers seem to have a losing record?
    • Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it! Took me a long time to come up with that one, but by God, I thought of one.
    • Hockey is not a sport. Hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody.
    • If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
    • It's never just a game when you're winning.
    • Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!
    • You ever watch golf on television? It's like watching flies fuck.
    • Running isn't a sport 'cause everybody can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run : you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?
    • And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Pancake Institute, and it says 'Fuck waffles'.
    • I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
    • Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
    • Somewhere in the world is the world's worst doctor. And what's truly terrifying is that someone has an appointment with him tomorrow morning.
    • I committed suicide and all I got was this stupid fucking T-shirt!
    • A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
    • Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?
    • A day off is always more welcome when it's unexpected.
    • Cancer research is a growth industry.
    • Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
    • Honk if your horn is broken.
    • Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced on the television news as if it's an actual event. I don't give a shit! If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday I'd have memorized it years ago. And I'd send him a card: 'Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday. Love, George.' But I don't. Why? I don't give a shit. Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick! And then break it off and beat him with the rest of it! I hope Mickey dies! I do - I hope he goddamn dies! I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten in the soiled baseport of a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy's pants. No wonder no one takes this country seriously anymore - we waste valuable time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent!
    • Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! 'Would you look at this idiot? Take a look at this idiot right here, just creeping along : woah, look at that maniac go!'
    • Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
    • Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say. He used to say 'I'm going upstairs and fuck your grandmother.' Well, he was an honest guy, you know? He wasn't going to bull-shit a 4 year old.
    • I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
    • Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
    • Saliva is known to cause cancer. But only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.
    • I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
    • I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
    • Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
    • Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.
    • Rarely does a loose woman have a tight pussy.
    • On Opening Day, the President doesn't throw out the first ball. He throws it in. If he threw it out, it would land in the parking lot and someone would have to go get it.
    • The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
    • Imagine how thick Japanese people's photo albums must be.
    • A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
    • As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
    • If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
    • The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
    • I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
    • Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
    • The status quo always sucks.
    • Fuck soccer moms.
    • Fuck rational thinking.
    • Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
    • You know what's interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry, but it's also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Ya ever notice who it is, got to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon - they all said, 'Try to live together peacefully.' Bam! Right in the fucking head! Apparently we're not ready for that. Yeah, that's difficult behavior for us. We're too busy thinking around, sitting around trying to think up ways to kill each other.
    • Pacifism is a nice idea, but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
    • There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
    • Think off-center.
    • Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, 'Well, okay, that's enough of that.'
    • When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day?
    • I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.
    • I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.
    • I never watch Sesame Street. I already know most of that stuff.
    • I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
    • I went to the Missing Persons Bureau, but no one was there.
    • I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
    • If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
    • If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
    • If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?
    • In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
    • 'Meow' means 'woof' in cat.
    • Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
    • Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
    • 'No comment' is a comment.
    • Nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream.
    • People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?' Didn't really give me a choice, did you there, buddy?
    • Property is theft. Nobody 'owns' anything. When you die, it all stays here.
    • The best thing about living at the water's edge: you only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way, you can hear them splash.
    • The difference between the blues and the blahs is that you can't sing the blahs.
    • The future will soon be a thing of the past.
    • The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
    • The radio ad 'Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't.' Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!
    • The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
    • The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'
    • There are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one seems to know how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.
    • Tonight's Forecast: dark, it will be mostly dark tonight, followed by widely scattered light in the morning.
    • Wanna help your kids? Leave them the fuck alone!!!
    • I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
    • One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
    • When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.
    • Why do people say 'I'm going to take a shit'? : They don't take a shit, they leave one.
    • God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
    • If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. (Napalm and Silly Putty)
    • If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
    • 69 : 71, which is 69 with two fingers up your ass : 68, which is 'You do me an' I'll owe you one.' Women hear that one all the time!
    • I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
    • Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat! 69 assholes tied in a knot! Hooray! Lizard shit! Fuck!
    • You can prick your finger, just don't finger your prick.
    • As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
    • Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to us. She said, 'You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cock-sucker from Guatemala.'
    • Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.
    • We have more ways to describe dirty words than we actually have dirty words. We call them bad words, dirty, filthy, foul, vile, vulgar, coarse, in poor taste, unseemly, street-talk, gutter-talk, locker room language, barbaric talk, bawdy, naughty, saucy, raunchy, rude, crude, lewd, indecent, profane, obscene, blue, off-color, suggestive, cursing, cussing, swearing and all I could think of was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits!
    • Two heart attacks has changed my diet, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
    • The kind of doorhandles which is recessed a little bit into the door and your fingers actually go in a little before they actually grab it. Don't you like that? I like that. That's why they're not going to make it anymore. They found out we liked that.
    • No one should ever have any object placed inside their asshole that is larger than a fist and less loving than a dildo.
    • Prayer: please let me find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.
    • Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
    • Now I've got you, my cheerful twin! It's you or me, and I shall win! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
    • george carlin

Quotes by Famous People

Who Were Also Born On May 12thWho Also Died On June 22nd
George Carlin
Yogi Berra
Crowfoot
Katharine Hepburn
Jiddu Krishnamurti
Dante Gabriel Rossetti
Florence Nightingale
George Carlin
Ann Landers
Fred Astaire
Judy Garland
Matthew Henry

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