Chris Rock Quotes

• If a girl has a pierced tongue, she'll probably suck your dick. If a guy has a pierced tongue, he'll probably suck your dick.
• If only smart people like your shit, it ain't that smart.
• Don't go to parties with metal detectors. Sure, it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggers waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.
• Cornbread, ain't nothing wrong with that.
• Woman in audience: Hey, Chris! Chris: Hey, girl! Gimme back my money!
• When I see a fine sister with a white man, I get pissed. I get mad. I don't get violent, but I get mad. I'm like, 'Damn, baby, what do I got to do : to get with you?' I mean, what must I do?
• Debbie Thomas married a white man. Walked down the aisle! I was mad at first. I was like, 'Damn, Debbie. What do I got to do : to get with you?' Then I thought it over and said, 'You know what? I bet she didn't meet a lot of brothers on the ice!'
• 'Yo, I heard Chris got hit by a bus!' 'Fucked around with a white girl!'
• Debbie Thomas went to the Olympics : bust her ass! Fucked around with a white boy!
• Michael Jackson [is] about to lose everything he owns. You know why? Fucked around with a white boy!
• Chinese people got dissed, they formed their own shit. Chinese people get dissed, it's like, 'Fuck you : Chinatown!' Okay? Italian people got dissed, they formed their own shit. Italian people get dissed, it's like, 'Fuck you : Little Italy!' All right? I don't care what country you go into: you will not find Little Africa anywhere. What, the ghetto? Little burnt-up Africa?
• There's nothing that a white man with a penny hates more : than a nigger with a nickel!
• Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
• A black man failing black history : you know, fat people don't fail cooking.
• This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in it!
• People are starving all over the world, what do you mean, 'red meat will kill you'? Don't eat no red meat? No, don't eat no green meat : if you're one of the chosen few people in the world lucky enough to get your hands on a steak, bite the shit out of it!
• We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a fucking lactose intolerance?!
• That shit wasn't about race : that shit was about fame. If O.J. wasn't famous, he'd be in jail right now. If O.J. drove a bus, he wouldn't even be O.J. He'd be Orenthal the Bus Driving Murderer.
• I'm not saying he should have killed her, but I understand.
• You know the worst thing about niggers? Niggers always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigger will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigger will say some shit like, 'I take care of my kids.' You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that? 'I ain't never been to jail!' What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker!
• Community college is like a disco with books: 'Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!'
• Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
• Who's more racist, black people or white people? Black people! You know why? Because black people hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.
• You can't have shit when you around niggers, you can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV! You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning. Paint it white, hope niggers think it's a bassinet. Can't have shit in your house! Why?! Because niggers will break into your house. Niggers that live next door to you break into your house, come over the next day and go, 'I heard you got robbed.' Nigger, you know you robbed me. You didn't see shit 'cause you was doing shit!
• You know what they say, 'There's no reason to ever hit a woman.' Shit! There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whopping.
• A man is basically as faithful as his options.
• If a kid calls his grandma 'Mommy' and his mommy 'Pam', he's going to jail!
• You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders. : Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, 'Damn, he must have did something.'
• Every time a man's being nice to you [women], he's offering you dick.
• It's hard for a man to turn down sex : if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
• The Trenchcoat Mafia! 'No one would play with us! We had no friends, the trenchcoat mafia :' Hey, I saw the yearbook picture, it was six of them! I ain't have six friends in high school. I don't got six friends now! Shit, that's three-on-three with a half court.
• Who gives a fuck what they was watching? Whatever happened to crazy?
• A bunch of girls say, 'You don't need no man to help you raise no child' : shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don't mean it's to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don't make it a good fucking idea!
• If you said more words to him than 'mommy'll be back', he might know something!
• That's right, 'tell your mama', 'tell your mama', 'tell your mama' : nobody tells daddy shit!
• Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.
• Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans? Your daughter's gonna come home with Livin' La Vida Loca!
• Nothing more racist than a old black man, you know why? 'Cause the old black man went through some real racism. He ain't go through that 'I can't get a cab' shit. He was the cab! White man just jump on his back: 'Main Street!'
• Black people yelling 'racism!' White people yelling 'reverse racism!' Chinese people yelling 'sideways racism!' And the Indians ain't yelling shit, 'cause they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad their people got it: nobody got it worse than the American Indian. Everyone needs to calm the fuck down.
• I'm watching the news : Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin's bullets : no, they wasn't. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggers got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday.
• I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.
• At least they're trying to get rid of AIDS. Some diseases they just gave up on. Some diseases, if you get them, you're on your own. They ain't going to have no telethon for you. R Kelly ain't singing no song. You just got this shit.
• Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies : a man lie is, 'I was at Kevin's house!' A woman lie is like, 'It's your baby!'
• 'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were : every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right. Women are offered dick every day. Every woman in here : gets offered dick at least three times a week. Three times a day, shit! That's right, every time a man's being nice to you : all he's doing is offering dick. That's all it is. 'Can I get that for you? - How about some dick?' 'Could I help you with that? - Could I help you to some dick?' - 'Do you need some dick?'
• I mean, they don't grade fathers. But if your daughter's a stripper, you fucked up.
• My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil' Jon. You know that shit: 'To the window! To The Wall! [crowd sings along] To the sweat drip from my balls!' You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. 'To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls!' I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, 'Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?' 'Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!'
• Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, 'Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! : I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! : Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! : Blind the bitch, blind the bitch!'
• If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: 'He ain't talking 'bout me!' Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick : He said your name! 'No, he didn't!' Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick :
• The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body: 'Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick!'
• I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: 'We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth. They're the most dangerous regime in the world.' If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.
• White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says 'guns'? Congressional hearing.
• Ed Bradley looked at Michael Jackson like he wanted to say, 'Nigger, is you crazy?' Like he wanted to take the the 60 Minutes clock and push the shit forward to say, 'Nigger, what the fuck is wrong with you?' 'I thought you said it was 60 minutes :' 'It's 10 minutes, get outta here! You nutty nigger, what the fuck is wrong with you?'
• Black people dominate sports in the United States. We're 10% of the population, we're 90% of the Final Four.
• Black people dominate this shit! Basketball, baseball, football, boxing, track! Even golf and tennis! And the minute they make a heated hockey rink, we're gonna take that shit too. Motherfuck Wayne Gretzky. Wait 'till you see LeBron on some skates. You ain't seen nothing yet! He just gonna have one skate, chilling. He won't even have a stick, he'll just smack the puck in with his dick. Pow! Slapshot Bitch!
• That tiger ain't go crazy; that tiger went tiger! You know when he was really crazy? When he was riding around on a unicycle with a Hitler helmet on!
• A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King, meanwhile a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.
• Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!
• [R Kelly]'s got a lot of balls. Talking about 'it ain't me'. Got a damn sex tape out; 'it ain't me'. Motherfucker, we know what you look like. That's you, okay? There's a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed.
• What is on Kobe's mind? Going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnny Cochran?
• It's hard to defend 'I've got hoes in different area codes'. It's hard to defend 'move, bitch, get out the way'! : Well, as you can see, there's a bitch in his way, that he needs to move. Thus the term, 'move, bitch, get out the way'. You need to open your eyes so you can get the bitches out of your way!
• You know the only thing you can do to stop your man from cheating? The only thing you can do : is be there. Where? There! Wherever he's thinking about fucking, that's it. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose your ass. He's like, 'Honey, look! A Sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now!'
• If you wanna get away with murder, shoot him in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket!
• You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, 'USA! USA! USA!' Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?
• A lot of white people like to scream they're American as if they've got something to do with the country being the way it is : like they was on the Mayflower or some shit.
• All you crazy white people 'I'm American!', all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?
• Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang. 'I'm conservative', 'I'm liberal', 'I'm conservative'. Bullshit! Be a fucking person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, okay? I've got some shit I'm conservative about, I've got some shit I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!
• Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check : is wealthy. 'Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!'
• You know, the beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue is the absolute only issue that the President will answer. The President don't give a fuck, he will give you a straight answer on gay marriage. 'Mr President, what about the war, when's it gonna end?' 'Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and we're looking for stuff, and we might find it, we might not, and it's out there, we're gonna get it, you never know, how's it going, yeah!' 'Mr President, what about the economy, when's it gonna pick up?' 'Well, you never know, we're talking to people, and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator, you know what I'm saying, all right!' 'Mr President, what about gay marriage?' 'Fuck them faggots!'
• You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.
• If you haven't contemplated murder, you ain't been in love. If you haven't seriously thought about killing a motherfucker, you ain't been in love. If you haven't had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for forty-five minutes straight, you ain't been in love. If you haven't bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll their ass up in, you ain't been in love. If you haven't practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you ain't been in love. And the only thing that's stopped you from killing this motherfucker was a episode of CSI: 'Oh man, they thorough. I better make up. They might catch my ass.'
• Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Fuck you. Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans : fuck everything you thought this life was going to bring to you. Now let's go out there and try to make this bitch happy.'
• Women hate women. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for twenty five years, you put a man in between them : 'fuck that bitch', 'fuck that bitch'. Guys are not like that. Guys actually think that there are other fish in the sea, and if a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, and when they walk away, his boy goes, 'Oh man, she's nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.' If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, and they walk away, her girlfriend goes, 'I gotta get him, and I will slit that bitch's throat to do it.' Every girl in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man.
• But here's what they don't tell you. You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, and she'll still complain. 'Why did you make me come so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy, why didn't you go to Tiffany's? You're so fucking cheap.'
• 'What's in the tea?' 'Water, bitch!'
• Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.
• Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a racoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
• God will send you a double date with the perfect couple. Have you ever made the mistake of going on a double date with the perfect couple? You're in the middle of your bullshit relationship and you actually sit down with two people that are actually in love. You can't even eat your food cause you can't believe what the fuck you are witnessing. You got a fork in your hand like, 'Oh shit! He's really listening to what she's got to say! Wow! They really like being around each other! Man, we can't hang with them no more, they gonna break us up. Can't let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life!'
• So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America : but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.
• We can't have gay marriage 'cause marriage is sacred, it happens in the church. Marriage is sacred, it's sacred. No, it's not, not in America, not in a country that watches Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? and The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and Who Wants to Marry a Midget. Get the fuck outta here. Shit, Michael Jackson got married, how fucking sacred is that shit?
• Alcohol! Tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Some of you all won't even make it home tonight 'cause of alcohol. You'll be like, 'Oh, that Chris Rock sure is funny, oh! Shit!' But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Cigarettes! Cigarette's the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every single day. Cigarette's so dangerous it kills motherfuckers that don't smoke. That's how dangerous cigarettes are. That's right, first hand smoke, second hand smoke. People talking out of their necks into a fucking machine like, 'Hey, what's up, man, I love cigarettes, this shit is cool.' But it's all right 'cause it's all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Phillip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled niggers from Mississippi? Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get sixty years just for a pack of Newports. But it's all right 'cause it's all white.
• So think about the poor slave who could read, but was scared to teach their kids to read for fear they would be killing their kids. Think about the poor slave that rode to town every week. Think about the poor slave who rode the buggy to town every week. Riding the buggy : riding the buggy, and he could read, and is riding the buggy and he's riding the buggy. And up ahead he sees a busy intersection, and is riding the buggy and he's riding the buggy. Then he sees a STOP sign : Now he's in a big dilemma. 'If I go through this intersection, I'm a have a accident. If I stop, these crackers will kill me.' And he's riding the buggy, and in the last minute he says 'fuck it', goes through the intersection, has a big ol' accident. Almost kills somebody. Then the police come: 'Nigger, what is wrong with you? Nigger, what the fuck is wrong with you? You could have killed somebody, nigger. Didn't see that stop sign?' 'Oh, I don't know what you talking about.' 'You didn't see that stop sign, that stop sign back there?' 'Oh, you mean that octagon thing.' 'Nigger, who taught you octagon?'
• It's beautiful that abortion is legal in America. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women, 'cause you know they're fucking. You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels!
• Oh the abortion issue, it's a woman's issue. When a woman get pregnant, she don't want to hear shit from the man. Fuck you, motherfuck you, I don't need you. Unless she decides to have the baby and she's like, 'Where my check?'
• When a woman get pregnant, it's an issue between her and her girlfriends. When a woman get pregnant, her and her girlfriends form an abortion tribunal, and they vote on the child like it was Survivor. Then the first girlfriend throws in her two cents: 'Child, you should have that baby, that man got some good hair, it's wavy, it's wavy.' Then second girlfriend throws in her two cents: 'Girl, why are we even talking about this? Ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next weekend? Get rid of that baby.' And that's how life is decided in America.
• The number one reason people hate America: the number one reason is because of our religion. Americans worship money, we worship money. Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from government, but on your money it says in God we trust. All my life I've been looking for God, and He's right in my pocket. Americans worship money, and we all go to the same church, the church of ATM. Everywhere you look there's a new branch popping up : remind you about how much money you got and how much money you don't got. And if you got less than twenty dollars, the machine won't even talk to you. The machine is like, 'You better go see a teller.' You ever go to a teller and try to take out eight dollars and fifty cents? Oh, it's disgusting : oh man, you gotta wait on that long ass line, people doing real transactions in front of you, you get on to the fucking front, you fill out your form, eight fifty. The fucking teller looks at it, she look at you, she looks at the check, she don't even take the money out of the drawer, she take it out of her pocket, 'Here you go, get outta here.' And here's something, man. Drugs are illegal, but ATM machines are open twenty-four hours a day. Twenty-four hours a day. For who? Who the fuck is it open for? Have you ever taken out three hundred dollars at four o'clock in the morning for something positive? Shit, when you press that machine at four o'clock in the morning, I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen and go, 'Come on, man, save your money, man. Don't buy drugs, buy some rims. They spinning, nigger, they spinning, they spinning, nigger, they spinning.' Americans worship money. Shit, you know why banks are closed on Sunday? 'Cause if they wasn't, church would be empty.
• Is it just me, or is Jermaine Jackson the greasiest nigger you ever seen in your life? Every time Jermaine comes on, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen! Can't see shit! Jermaine must have been on. Even the police can't catch his ass, 'cause every time they try, he just slips out! They be like, 'Somebody throw some sand on that nigger! Please!'
• Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend they don't trust around their man. A good girlfriend too, it's like, 'Yeah, I'll go shopping with her, but I ain't gonna leave that bitch alone with my man for five minutes, no.' I remember one time, I was at a restaurant with me, my wife, and her girlfriend. And my wife gets up and goes, 'Honey, I'm going to the bathroom.' And I'm like, 'All right, honey, I'll see you when you get back.' And she goes, 'No, you coming with me!' She made me come with her to the bathroom! And she did the right thing, 'cause I'd have fucked the girl; I'da fucked her. I'd have fucked her on a damn quesadilla, I didn't give a fuck.
• You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.
• Comedy is the blues for people who can't sing.
• Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
• Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow.
• The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl.'
• Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judging the singing. Paula Abdul?! Getting Paula Abdul to judge a singing contest is like getting Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!
• When I heard they were trying and get rid of the word 'nigger', I told my accountant to buy 800 shares of 'coon'.
• You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.
• I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way the Live Aid ended world poverty.
• George Bush hates midgets.
• Yo, what's up! This is Chris Rock, and I'm with my man Lil Jon, and we stay in the club! We live in the club! We die in the club! We get our car washed in the club! We go to school in the club! We go to the cleaners in the club! We do everything in the motherfucking club! We got to church in the club! We never leave the motherfucking club! We pay our taxes in the club! We go to library in the club!
• Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.
• They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.
• You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

chris rock