A. P. Herbert Quotes

A. P. Herbert delivers sharp, witty takes on law and society.

34 quotes

1. The Farmer will never be happy again; He carries his heart in his boots; For either the rain is destroying his grain Or the drought is destroying his roots.

2. For I must write to The Times tonight, and save the world from sin.

3. Don't let's go to the dogs tonight, For mother will be there.

4. As my poor father used to say In 1863, Once people start on all this Art Goodbye, moralitee!

5. Let's stop somebody from doing something! Everybody does too much.

6. Nobody's wrong but England - and England's always wrong, Too late - or else too early - too soft - or else too strong. And when for once the wide world begins to praise her name Her own sons crowd and hurry to shout her back to shame.

7. There's alcohol in plant and tree. It must be Nature's plan That there should be in fair degree Some alcohol in Man.

8. The portions of a woman which appeal to man's depravity Are constructed with considerable care.

9. Citizens who take it upon themselves to do unusual actions which attract the attention of the police should be careful to bring these actions into one of the recognized categories of crimes and offences, for it is intolerable that the police should be put to the pains of inventing reasons for finding them undesirable.

10. It is like the thirteenth stroke of a crazy clock, which not only is itself discredited but casts a shade of doubt over all previous assertions.

11. It cannot be too clearly understood that this is not a free country, and it will be an evil day for the legal profession when it is.

12. People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

13. A highbrow is the kind of person who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.

14. A man who has made up his mind on a given subject twenty-five years ago and continues to hold his political opinions after he has been proved to be wrong is a man of principle; while he who from time to time adapts his opinions to the changing circumstances of life is an opportunist.

15. The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time.

16. The Englishman never enjoys himself except for a noble purpose. He does not play cricket because it is a good game, but because it creates good citizens. He does not love motor-races for their own sake, but for the advantages they bring to the engineering firms of his country. And it is common knowledge that the devoted persons who conduct and regularly attend horse-races do not do so because they like it, but for the benefit of the breed of the English horse.

17. 'Was the cow crossed?' 'No, your worship, it was an open cow.'

18. Justice should be cheap but judges expensive.

19. The whole Constitution has been erected upon the assumption that the King not only is capable of doing wrong but is more likely to do wrong than other men if he is given the chance.

20. An act of God was defined as something which no reasonable man could have expected.

21. The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure-the figure of 'The Reasonable Man'.

22. aven, I have given up smoking again!... God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.

23. There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once. Imagine how little good music there would be if, for example, a conductor refused to play Beethoven's Fifth Symphony on the ground that his audience might have heard it before.

24. Well, fancy giving money to the Government! Might as well have put it down the drain.

25. Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behaviour not otherwise excusable.

26. I am sure that the party system is right and necessary. There must be some scum.

27. A high-brow is someone who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.

28. The critical period of matrimony is breakfast-time.

29. The essence of humour is surprise; that is why you laugh when you see a joke in Punch.

30. This high official, all allow, is grossly overpaid; there wasn't any Board, and now there isn't any Trade.

31. Well, fancy giving money to the Government! Might as well have put it down the drain. Fancy giving money to the Government! Nobody will see the stuff again. Well, they've not idea what money's for- Ten to one they'll start another war. I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! Fancy giving money to the Government!

32. The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

33. Harriet, Hi! Light of my eye! Come to the pictures and have a good cry, For it's jolly old Saturday, Mad-as-a-hatter-day, Nothing-much-matter-day-night!

34. Elderly gentlemen, gentle in all respects, kind to animals, beloved by children, and fond of music, are found in lonely corners of the downs, hacking at sandpits or tussocks of grass, and muttering in a blind, ungovernable fury elaborate maledictions which could not be extracted from them by robbery or murder. Men who would face torture without a word become blasphemous at the short fourteenth. It is clear that the game of golf may well be included in that category of intolerable provocations which may legally excuse or mitigate behavior not otherwise excusable.