123 Will Ferrell Quotes

Will Ferrell quotes

1. Strategery.

2. You don't talk to me that way! I am a division manager! I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!

3. What's your favorite planet? ... Mine's the sun! Its like the king of planets!

4. If the moon were made of barbeque spare ribs, would you eat it? ...I know I would. Heck, I'd have seconds. And then polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser.

5. Write a number, any number and you win, it could be a one, a two, a three, or how about a four, any number.. And you wrote a v, well my friend, v is a roman numeral so despite your best efforts you managed to win, and lets see what you wagered. 'Suck it Trebek'

6. You wouldn't hire a clown to fix a leak in the John. So why do you let these hooligans tear down the biz?? Yeeeaaahh!

7. I will punch you in the face if you don't get off the shed! Now get off the shed, get off the shed! Get off the damn shed!

8. I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!

9. You still think this is a gigglefest private son of a bitch?!

10. I love scotch, scotchy scotch scotch, here it goes down, down into my belly.

11. Man that Kendall Beye is so awesome, he is better looking then elephants rear-end!

12. You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.

13. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside, and you won't be invited.

14. You are a smelly pirate hooker.

15. Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?

16. I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. 'Veronica had a very funny joke today.' I laughed at it later that night.

17. You scorpion woman.

18. You've got a dirty whorish mouth.

19. What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing.

20. I'm very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

21. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.

22. Agree to disagree.

23. I'm gonna punch you in the ovary.

24. By the Beard of Zeus.

25. Knights of Columbus that hurt!

26. By the hammer of Thor!

27. It's so damn hot - milk was a bad choice.

28. I'm not a baby, I'm a MAN, I am an ANCHORMAN.

29. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.

30. I wanna be on you.

31. ' I look good I look really good. Hey everyone come and see how good I look'

32. Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

33. [to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.

34. [clears throat] Well, I could be wrong, but I believe, uh, diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

35. Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.

36. [after jumping into the grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.

37. I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.

38. It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.

39. [riding unicorns through cartoon Pleasure Town] Look, the most glorious rainbow ever.

40. [thinking he is on fire] Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Aah! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off of me!

41. Help me, Oprah Winfrey!

42. I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then fuck you.

43. Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is just around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than the Jack Hawk 9000? Available at Wal-Mart!

44. I've sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm puttin' a lotta eggs in that basket, the MTV basket. I also thought about getting a gun and becomin' a crack dealer. I wouldn't be, like, a mean crack dealer...I'd be a nice one. I'd just be like 'Hey, guys, what's up? You want some crack?'.

45. Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...

46. Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!

47. Now, due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates that I mention POWERade at each grace, I'd just like to say that POWERade is delicious, it cools you off on a hot summer day, and we're all looking forward to POWERade's release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry.

48. [driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!! I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!

49. The room is startin' to spin real fast...cause of...cause of gayness.

50. [Looking under the hood of his race car] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!

51. Yep, I'm flyin' through the air, this is not good.

52. [to his father-in-law] The only thing you ever did with your life is make a hot daughter! That's it!

53. [to Girard] I've got you, Pepe Le Bitch!

54. [getting ready to bump Girard in a race] Hey, it's me, America! [Choom] Macchiato

55. Slingshot: engage.

56. I'm not sure what to do with my hands.

57. You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved.

58. Get down, Karen!

59. [Driving backward, flipping off the driver of the car next to him] It's real nice, I got it at Target, it's on sale.

60. To quote the late great Colonel Sanders: 'I am too drunk to taste this chicken.'

61. Momma, I'm goin' fast!

62. I feel like a mongoose, stalking its prey.

63. 98 percent of us will die at some point in our lives.

64. [advertising for McCreedy Funeral Services] Bodies that look so good, you're gonna wanna talk to it!

65. [doing a Big Red commercial] If you don't chew it, then get outta my face. Mother f**ker

66. [in a Prune Candy commercial, singing] Dragon foot, bamboo pole, little mouse, Chinese boy, Prune Candy!

67. A lot of people have gotten into comedy because of certain influences in their lives or events that were painful, and I really have wracked my brain to figure it out. I pretty much have had a normal childhood. Maybe it was too normal.

68. All you have in comedy, in general, is just going with your instincts. You can only hope that other people think that what you think is funny is funny. I don't have an answer but I just try to plough straight ahead.

69. How classy is it for me to wear these pink tennis shoes with my tux?

70. I'm not really an exhibitionist. I'm drawn to the outrageous stuff because it's fun, not because it's some deep compulsion. I'm not tortured, anger-stoked, deeply neurotic comic -- just a pretty low-key normal guy. A 'hey, the glass is half-full' kind of a guy. But please keep it quiet, or I may never work again.

71. I have only been funny about seventy four percent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four percent of the time.

72. James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

73. One of the challenges you will face is finding a job in our depressed economy, ... In fact, the chances of finding a job are about as good as finding weapons of mass destruction in the Iraqi desert -- slim and none, and slim just left the building.

74. Whom does the prime minister prefer? Funky Wunkey, Shipsy, Ho, or Waa-Waa?

75. I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat. [1]

76. I love you dad

77. I like it. It's genius!

78. (Trying to talk over party noise). Actually we've got a nice little Saturday planned. We're going to Home Depot to pick out some wallpaper, then maybe we'll hit Bed Bath and Beyond... I don't know! I don't know if we'll have enough time!

79. (Funnels a beer). Fill it up again! Fill it up again! Once it hits your lips, it's so good!

80. Hey Snoop! Snoop-A-Loop!

81. It's cool man, it's cool. Bring your green hat!

82. (Sitting naked in the car). Hey honey! Do you think KFC's still open?

83. I thought we were in the the trust tree, in the nest. Are we not?

84. Cock, Balls

85. It's got three speeds!

86. D'you need a friend? Yeah, me too...

87. You're my boy Blue, you're my boy

88. We're going streaking!!!!

89. I can see Blue, he looks glorious!

90. Well...you know...keep on truckin.

91. We're going streaking... through the quad to the gymnasium!

92. I like you, but you're crazy.

93. (answers the phone) Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?

94. The best way to spread christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

    Attribution disputed; shown as originally published.

95. It's just like Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms... and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me...

96. Sounds like somebody needs to sing a Christmas carol.

97. We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.

98. I just like to smile, smiling's my favorite.

99. What's a christmas gram? I want one!

100. Francisco! That's fun to say! Francisco... Frannncisco... Franciscooo...

101. (speaking to 'Miles Finch') He's an angry elf!

102. Actually, I'm a human, but I was raised by elves.

103. (speaking to the store santa) You stink. You smell like beef and cheese! You don't smell like Santa.

104. Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS!

105. SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!

106. (speaking to 'Jovi') It's just nice to meet another human that shares my affinity for elf culture.

107. I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.

108. (Speaking to James Caan, Buddy's father) First we'll make snow angels for two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle.

109. I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.

110. (Reading a note he left on the etch-a-sketch) 'I'm sorry I ruined your lives, and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR.'

111. (To 'Jovi') I think you're really beautiful and I feel really warm when I'm around you and my tongue swells up. (pause)...So... do you wanna eat food?

112. Good news! I saw a dog today!

113. (To a stranger on the elevator) Oh I forgot to give you a hug.

1. There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier.

2. Why did Autograph Magazine list me as one of the worst autograph signers? Oh, I don't know. It's probably because I punched some 8-year-old kid in the airport one time, and he wanted an autograph.

3. I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat, and I built a boat.

4. I left 'Saturday Night Live' without a film to go to, and I'd filmed 'Old School' while I was in my last season of the show, and that hadn't come out yet. I was a free agent, in a way, but I knew it was time to leave the show and test the water.

5. You did it! Congratulations! World's best cup of coffee! Great job, everybody! It's great to be here.

6. There are a lot of really funny guys who are very natural in what they do: Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, Seth Rogen.

7. Once a person has a child, the first question everyone asks is: "Are you going to have more children?" But it basically means: "Are you going to have more sex with your wife in the hopes of having children?

8. I love playing the macho guy who looks like an idiot.

9. I'm a Progressive. Much in the same way our founding fathers - who, oddly enough, wouldn't get elected today - were Progressives.

10. I think people don't understand that comedy is an outlet for me. Comedy allows me to get outside of myself, and exercise this thing that is still kind of scary to me.