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32 Spike Milligan Quotes

Spike Milligan serves up absurd, funny commentary on identity and health that feels like a playful, chaotic chat.

Spike Milligan quotes

  1. For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

    #1

  2. If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.

    #2

  3. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

    #3

  4. Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

    #4

  5. Are you going to come along quietly, or am I going to have to use ear plugs?

    #5

  6. I told you I was ill!

    #6

  7. A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

    #7

  8. Education isn't everything; for a start it isn't an elephant.

    #8

  9. I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

    #9

  10. I can't see the sense in it [his honorary CBE] really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.

    #10

  11. How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

    #11

  12. My father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

    #12

  13. The only nice thing I can wish him is an early death

    #13

  14. World peace could be a possibility...if it weren't for all those damned foreigners!

    #14

  15. The boy stood on the burning deck, whence all but he had fled. Twit.

    #15

  16. I'm fucking Irish!

    #16

  17. Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

    #17

  18. When I look back, the fondest memory I have is not really of the Goons. It is of a girl called Julia with enormous breasts.

    #18

  19. Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.

    #19

  20. Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

    #20

  21. Money can't buy you friends, but you do get a better class of enemy.

    #21

  22. All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

    #22

  23. I hope you go before me because I don't want you singing at my funeral.

    #23

  24. Oh, the snivelling grovelling bastard.

    #24

  25. I suppose a Knighthood is out of the question then?

    #25

  26. I can't see the sense in it really. It makes me a Commander of the British Empire. They might as well make me a Commander of Milton Keynes - at least that exists.

    #26

  27. Said Prince Charles when they placed the crown on his head: I suppose this means that Mummy's dead.

    #27

  28. We're Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Rat-Ratties!

    #28

  29. There's no such thing as anything, and sometimes even less!

    #29

  30. The small of my back is too big

    #30

  31. My ribs give me claustrophobia

    #31

  32. I dont like jam, I dont want it to know where I am

    #32