17 Joan Rivers Quotes

Joan Rivers quotes

1. But seriously, and I'm not making a joke: was the ending happy or sad?

2. Hi who are you wearing, or who the fuck are you? I don't know half of these people anymore.

3. Winona Ryder wouldn't shoplift this!

4. I am pimping it out for you at the Academy Awards.

5. I knew I was unwanted when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and radio.

6. I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

7. I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.

8. I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963.

9. Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

10. My daughter refuses to call me mother in public; my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.

11. My first sexual experience was rape. No don't give me sympathy, I was lucky he didn't press charges.

12. People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

13. The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

14. They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.

15. Tonight I'll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou - and yes, those are actors, not caterers.

16. Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

17. The Mongols would have just turned around and left if they'd seen the public bathrooms here.